My Amish Blood

So, the title is a bit of a misnomer, but it serves the purpose of an easily identifiable label that most people can attach meaning to. My ancestors weren't technically Amish, or even Mennonite, but a different Christian sect that had quite a similar theological perspective and lifestyle as the Amish. Known to others as the German Baptists, referred to often as the Dunkards, my ancestors had a very similar lifestyle as the Amish. When the German Baptists went through the great schism of the 1800s, among the main triggers were whether or not women should be allowed to be preachers and how wide the width of the bonnet strap should be. Thus, my ancestors split off and went the more modern route, which became the Church of the Brethren. The Amish, the Mennonites, the German Baptists, and the Church of the Brethren are all labeled under the sect, "Anabaptists". (See: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anabaptists) The Anabaptists bear no resemblance at all to the Baptist Church; the main identifying trademark of all the Anabaptist Denominations is that they did not baptize infants. In order to become a member of the church, one had to consciously choose to become baptized as a young adult. They lived very disciplined lives, predominately in rural settings, most of my ancestors on both sides of my family were farmers. They were very Christian, very conservative, did not dance, did not drink, seemingly did not have sex for pleasure, and lived very simple lives. There's a lot that is admirable about their lifestyle perspectives, and yet it's taken me probably all my life to un-program my subconscious of all these patterns that were deeply instilled from a young age.So, I'm coming out of the closet here, and revealing a big part of the undertow of my subconscious self and my programmed, patterned self here. In many ways, my years in Tantric work were a subconsious attempt, guided by spirit, to help unrepress my sexual energy, which was programmed to be very repressed. In many ways, as an adult, I have gone incredibly far in the opposite direction of everything I was raised to model my lifestyle behavior after. Studying Massage and Reiki, Exploration with erotic bodywork, exploration with Indigenous shamanism, exploration with psychedelics, ecstatic dancing, huge hippie festivals, drinking and smoking - all these things fly madly in the face of everything I was encouraged to live my life as, as a child. If I'd followed my programming, I'd probably still be living in Ohio, I'd most definitely be married, I'd probably have 3 kids by now, I'd be sexually and sensually repressed and ignorant, I'd be going to church weekly and I'd be stuck in life, working a job I'd be doing just to survive and grit my teeth and bear it. It's no wonder my mom was so angry and frustrated in life. I have a lot of compassion for her. Who wants to live a life that fits into a mold that is created for you, not one that emerges from within?As an adult, I've chosen a lifestyle that has completely detached me from my roots and my family, and to be honest, that's okay with me because my focus in life is about self-mastery and self-knowledge, not about conforming to what will make other people happy (and make me miserable). But, I've gone through all my phases of psychedelics, erotic tantric work, hippie festivals, alcohol, marijuana, partying. I've done all of that.. And where I've been coming to the last few years is; what does my body need in order to live sustainably? What choices do I need in order to be healthy within my body? I've been having to choose over and over again to do what my body wants me to do, because I have to live with it for the rest of my life. And it's hard to make choices that are based on listening to my body, when it flies in the face of what is popular and trendy among all my peers. And more and more these days, I feel like in some ways, the things that I am appreciating the most are the things that are in some ways very simple and based in patterns of my ancestors.For example, I have a very low tolerance to alcohol. Others don't, but I do. I could drink one glass of wine and be pretty intoxicated, and have a hangover the next day. My nervous system can't deal with it, I can't deal with it emotionally, so I've had to learn that I can't drink alcohol on a regular basis. If I want a grounded, stable, happy body - I need abstinence from alcohol. I will make special exceptions a few times a month, but it always lands me a heavy blow the day after. My ancestors didn't drink alcohol; I never saw alcohol as a child. I was surrounded by completely sober adults my entire childhood, and my ancestors were predominately sober. I don't have alcoholism in my genetic line, which makes me assume that according to my bloodline, I'm just not supposed to drink alcohol. I don't like being around wasted people; they trigger me. I've had some very close beloveds in my life who were alcoholics, so I've experienced intense alcoholism first hand, and my bottom line is - I can't go there. And I can only really trace it back to my genetic lineage.Anyway, more and more these days, I'm finding that my body is demanding of me: immediate and frequent access to nature, fresh, organic foods straight out of the garden, a daily sustainable income stream, less expensive things, a simple and healthy diet, very few parties, no drugs or alcohol. I feel like my body is super sensitive and cannot handle the intensities of the modern urban American lifestyle, my tolerance level is super low for intense, stressful stimuli, and it's really stressful on my body and makes me freak out. I feel that I need the most grounded, stable reality possible, because otherwise, I'm super spacey anways, and I feel like I'm permanently in a dream state all day long (and all night). Which makes me think that maybe my body and my blood really is dictated by my genetic lineage of conservative, sober, Christian farmers. For years, I've been feeling like the only purpose visionary awakenings serve is as a reminder to how we best live in this body, flesh and bone world. And in that regards, it's how we embody the highest spiritual visions that is important, not the frequency with which we are experiencing them, but how do we embody the service, compassion and love of spirit, in a way that is harmonious with our own form of embodiment; our bodies. In that regards, in listening to my body, my body has told me that my home is in Hawaii - for once it feels complete and aligned there, surrounded by nature, surrounded by Pele, surrounded by so much sun, surrounded by fresh, green living things, surrounded by fresh vegetables and fruits and the amazing oceanic waters. I don't feel that I can put off the call to my own feeling of being at home. My heart is pounding with Pele.So, I find it super interesting that I've spent the last 13 years doing the full time work of trying to transform and transmute the repressed aspects of my subconscious that were programmed by my familial line, and clear all the blockages psychically that have been stagnant in my family line. And yet, as I come into maturity, I actually am still fully dictated by my body, that has been cellularly programmed by my genetic line, regardless. So, it's interesting to note that I've done an excellent job at attaining self-knowledge and awakening through the process, and yet that doesn't mean I can run away from the karmic attachments of blood. But it also doesn't mean that I can't find a compromise or a middle ground for balancing out both aspects. My body needs a slow, gentle pace, it needs healthy food, it needs nature, it needs plant medicine, it needs lots of sunlight and access to bodies of water. In this way, I feel that my "Amish" blood is helping to ground me by reminding me that I need a slow pace, I need nature, I need to eat food fresh out of the garden, I need to live in a spiritual community - and I see this as a reflection of my ancestors working through my body. But the visionary soul aspect of me knows I don't have to be limited to what the husband my ancestors would have chosen for me, metaphorically. Feeling now that the self-limiting belief patterns that were instilled from the familial line are beginning to more completely fall away as true illusion that I can see through. I feel more and more freedom and access to unlimited potential. Which means aligning towards the heart and the vision of my spirit's desire. Being in Hawaii felt like a perfect balance for those two aspects of me; nature-centric, plant-centric, and yet visionary and super creative in a very daily, stable, grounded way. Freedom and Groundedness.Which is why the path of parties and festivals and intense, overwhelming chaos and energy feels really depleting to me right now - which is why I'm steering clear of it. My body really wants quiet, relaxing environments. It's probably the result of years of doing bodywork and being in a meditative state with so many clients. I just want soothing, relaxing, soft, gentle, relaxed environments - with lots of SUNLIGHT.So grateful to see the wisdom of my ancestors speaking through it all, their commitment to living in spiritual community, to being radical Christian dissidents, to living connected to the Earth, to living simply and sustainably, to living without excess or frivolity, to having a devoted sense of purpose to the community and to the family, to staying committed to spiritual values. While their lifestyle choices and theological belief systems are not for me, I really appreciate some of the core values. And I see the need for a next level, visionary re-balancing of the same values, emerging towards unification with where the modern culture is Now, and where the transformational shift is directed towards.